Borderline Personality Disorder

I see you checking your watch, the door, every time I am at home. You’re biding your time, you’re waiting for the right moment

to leave me. 

I cannot take this anymore. What if…what if I burn your driving license, hide your credit card…you will be forced to stay, won’t you? Darling, please stay. 

It’s either that, or I’ll kill myself. What is the point of living, if you’re not here to share this life with me!

Who do you speak on the phone to so much? Are you cheating on me? I won’t be surprised, it would be just like you to do so. Oh, I could murder you! I could be with ANY body, anybody I want. Why did I have to chose you?

Why of course I threw your phone! You made me do it. Why do you have to speak on the phone while I am trying to have a romantic dinner with you?

Darling darling, I am sorry I am sorry. I didn’t mean that. Come near me, let me touch your mole, your lines. My heart bursts with love for you. Are you thinking of leaving me? Why don’t we leave our jobs, and freelance together from home. That way we can spend every second with each other. 

Oh, why do you look at her like that. I cannot stand this! When you go out tomorrow, don’t bother coming back again! I am telling you, don’t come back in this house again?

Gosh, don’t take me so seriously. Come, kiss me. Please kiss me. How will I love myself if you don’t love me? I don’t feel real until you look at me. 

This is an interesting article describing how BPD is sometimes misread, and remains unacknowledged or untreated. This is a slightly longer article, describing the transformative work of a therapist, who herself suffered from the disorder, with her highly suicidal clients suffering from BPD. If you just want a quick overview of symptoms and risk factors, go here.

 

Intermittent Explosive Disorder

mental health, violence, aggression, conduct disorder,

Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED)

The music gets louder and louder and louder.

I can’t hear you anymore.

Every cell in my body throbs with the percussion in my head.

I am about to burst!

If I can screech this off me and make it stop

stop STOP. I am blinded with that familiar red blaze. 

….

I open my eyes to a room of broken things, broken people 

and silence. {What have I done?}

-x-x-x-

If you want to know more about IED, you can go here and here. This article is pretty interesting too, especially if you’re a parent to someone who shows symptoms of IED.

[Please note, I am not justifying any violence brought about by IED, nor would I (or any mental health practitioner) give the impression that any kind of rage is naturally an indication of IED. All I am trying to do here is to increase the understanding and empathy for it, which then would hopefully help us deal with it in a more informed and sensitive way. IED can be really scary for both those who are going through it, and those who live with and/or love those who have it.]

 

 

 

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

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I see you judging me, judging my frowns,

me with my big car and nice clothes,

or maybe I have a small car, but I have a family that loves me and friends who adore me.

You think I am being ungrateful…unappreciative.

But what I wouldn’t give for your easy smile, and those shoulders that relax in every room.

I would give all my wealth in exchange for a heart that does not jump every time it hears my name.

And to not have my hands shake and my legs tremble before every beginning and every end. 

One time in 9th grade I shat my pants. 

You laugh. They did too. They thought it was an accident. It was not. 

I could not gather the courage to go up and interrupt the teacher. I sat there thinking of all the ways my simple act of asking permission to leave the classroom can go wrong.

They all do it so easily, breezing in and out of rooms. I could not.

I did not go back to that school. I demanded my school be changed. I lost one year. 

All because one afternoon I could not gather the strength to go up and say 6 small words. 

I see you judging again, telling me all those who do not get to go to school. Those who don’t  have the choice. And here I was….spoilt brat you say. 

I fainted on the day of my wedding; I could not get out of bed for my first job interview. 

I am exhausted constantly.

What I wouldn’t give for that easy smile, those relaxed shoulders, and those eyes…that judge me. 

If you want to know more about GAD, wiki is actually the best out there in terms of giving you everything you need to know in one place. If you want to get some first-hand perspective and read some personal heart-felt and inspiring accounts, go here and here.